10 things New Yorkers need to own up to now

New Yorkers have some explaining to do

NYC

Retrieved from: Flickr: Pascal Subtil

I recently visited New York City – the city that seems to have its shit together – but I picked up on just a few things that need to be explained…

1. Why does everyone beep so much, the only time I want to hear beeping is when the microwave beeps to tell me my pizza pocket is ready.

2. Why are your toilets actually swimming pools, what happens when guys sit on the toilet do their peens get a bath, ARE YOUR TOILETS ACTUALLY PEEN BATHS?

3. Why does everyone on the street always ask me if I want to a buy a CD and when I say ‘no’, they say ‘bitch, don’t think I got change’? I don’t know what you got but it sure ain’t change.

4. How are you all so skinny with those damn portion sizes – I want a slice of lasagne not a slab to take home and feed my family of 10. Does the peen bath have a magical calorie extractor attached? TELL ME YOUR SECRETS!

5. Why is everything pumpkin spiced? What sort of white girl shit is this?

6. How is everyone so calm when they decide to close the only subway that will get you straight to your destination without having to catch 5236 different ones? If you’re down there you obviously can’t afford to life so what have you got to lose people? RIOT!

7. Why is every pub so surprised that I want to eat when a baseball game is on? DO YOU ALL FAST WHEN A GAME IS ON? DOES IT MAKE YOU FEEL FEELINGS SO YOU CAN’T EAT?

8. Why do you put your rubbish on the side walk and not in a huge bin? I’ve seen crows literally open bin lids to get into rubbish, but they don’t even have to work for it in your city.

9.Why is Stabby McStab town (Stabby McStab town) just a few streets away from Richy McRich town (Soho). One wrong turn and everyone is saying gun in every second sentence like they talking about a pumpkin spiced latte.

10. Why is the cab driver always on the phone? Who is he chatting to? What are they talking about? Is it his mum? Is it my mum?

PLUS ONE MORE…

WHY CAN’T I GET MY SHIT TOGETHER AND LIVE THERE?

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